Brrrr!

I’ve got the old XM Radio on in the background and the song that’s playing is “She’s So Cold” by The Rolling Stones, which is kind of odd because I was just sitting here thinking about, of all things, being cold, even though it’s 90 degrees outside.

The reason I was thinking about being cold is because on Thursday my wife and I had lunch at at a place where they were either showing off a new air conditioning system or the person in charge of the thermostat was having some serious hot flashes.

Whatever the reason, we purt near froze to death before we could finish our meal and get the check.

It wouldn’t surprise me if The Rolling Stones didn’t write that song after themselves having dined out at this frosty locale.

We regularly eat at this restaurant because they have a couple of dishes that I really enjoy and the service is very good. I am aware that it is often very chilly inside this particular eatery, so I brace myself and make sure I’m appropriately attired (no shorts, etc.) whenever I go there.

Chilly is one thing.

Cryogenic is another.

“How are y’all doing? Can I get you anything?” the waitress asked at one point.

“Yes,” I managed to click back through my chattering teeth. “You can turn the dang heat up or maybe bust up some of these tables and build a fire. Holy buckets lady, you could hang meat in here!”

I can’t for the life of me figure out why a restaurant would want to freeze its clientele to death. Maybe it’s some kind of new business strategy. Maybe they figure if you’re uncomfortable, you’ll eat faster and get out of there and make room for somebody else. Which, actually, is not a bad strategy. I’ll remember that the next time we’re expecting annoying company.

ME: “Honey, put yer thermal underwear on ’cause Cooter and Lurlene’s coming over here later and I’m setting the air conditioning to somewhere between ‘arctic blast’ and ‘dry ice.’”

MY WIFE: “Why would you want it to be so cold? You usually complain about it being too chilly.”

ME: “Well, I learned this new technique about how to get rid of annoying people by manipulating the environment to an extremely uncomfortable level.”

MY WIFE: “Where did you learn that, from one of those science channel things you watch on TV?”

ME: “Nope. Learned it from that restaurant where we had lunch Thursday. I had a lot of time to think about it while the doctor was trying to save my toes and fingers. Took him the better part of the afternoon to thaw out all them appendages.”

MY WIFE: “You be nice. Cooter and Lurlene ain’t all that bad.”

ME: “Oh really? Remember last time when he took off his shoes and socks and used his steak knife to clip his toenails. And that was at the dinner table — BEFORE we ate. And they brought that pet pig with them and he kept feeding it pieces of ham under the table. That really freaked me out, an animal eating its own kind. That just ain’t right. For the next week I kept having nightmares about Arnold the Pig from that TV show Green Acres. Mrs. Douglas kept trying to teach him how to jump into a hot skillet.”

MY WIFE: “Now you be nice.”

ME: “Oh, I’m gonna be nice. I’m just gonna be nice at, oh, say, about 42 degrees.”

So see, you learn something new every day. In this case, it’s how to freeze out a toenail-clipping, pig-toting dinner guest.

I’ve also learned that it’s also not a bad idea to keep a sweater in the car, even if it’s still really warm outside. Oh, and another thing, I’m off pork.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go adjust the thermostat.

(Klonie Jordan is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger. You can contact him via e-mail at