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It’s tough roughing it without a satellite dish
We real men occasionally are forced to do just that, forced to face life without the luxuries, forced to forge ahead sans the modern day conveniences and do the best we can with the resources available. For example, I can’t tell you the times I’ve had to eat tortilla chips without the salsa. And sometimes it’s a lot worse than that like when you play a golf course that won’t allow you to drive the cart out in the fairways, or when your wife’s not home and you get hungry and have to get up and fix your own sandwich. So don’t tell me how tough the pioneers had it. It’s not like they had to skin wild animals to make clothing. (Whisper from fact checker) What’s that you say? Really? They did? Well that’s just nasty. OK, maybe they DID have to skin wild animals to make clothing, but I’ll bet they never ran out of conditioner in the middle of washing their hair or had to change their dinner order because the waiter came back and said they were out of lobster. See, to borrow a bit of philosophy from Forrest Gump, roughing it is as roughing it does, which is to say there are levels of roughing it. They are: 1. Rocks and sticks roughing it. This involves sneaking up on your dinner and beating it to death with a rock and then putting it on a skewer over an open fire to cook it. Persons practicing this form of outdoorsery also sleep out in the open. 2. Tent roughing it. This involves the use of a weatherresistant tent for shelter, flashlights for light and eating vacuum-sealed foods such as beef jerky. It is also permissible to bring cans of your favorite beverages as long as they are consumed with some degree of moderation and common sense. I know a guy who enjoyed too many frosty beverages one time and sprained both of his wrists trying to rub two flashlights together to start a fire. 3. Satellite dish roughing it. This is my personal favorite. This means there must be a satellite TV dish available in either the cabin or motor home so one does not miss the big game. This type of roughing it usually includes — but is not limited to — recliners, refrigerators, climate-controlled bathroom facilities, full-length comfortable beds, microwave ovens and an unlimited supply of canned ravioli, beanie-weenies, aerosol cheese, Vienna sausages and deviled ham. If there had been satellite dish television in the pioneer days, the Pacific Ocean would still not be discovered and Lewis & Clark would have never left the house. Oregon Trail? I don’t think so. Not when there’s a NFL triple-header scheduled. See, we have become an entertainment-oriented society, which means we need our big-screen high-definition plasma televisions. Besides, there would be no point in men ever getting together if they couldn’t watch or discuss sports. The next time you play golf or go to lunch with a man, or group of men, count the number of minutes before the topic of some type of ball game comes up. I’m going to guess the national average is, oh, four. Prior to the invention of ball games, the primary source of entertainment was — and it was really more survival than entertainment — escaping from or doing battle with things that could eat you. This is why many of today’s sports teams have names like Grizzlies, Wildcats, Panthers, Wolverines, etc. It’s really sort of Freudian if you think about it, sort of a psychological tribute to our victories over the beasts. Makes me want to celebrate. Pass me a can of ravioli. Hey. Wait a minute. Don’t tell me nobody brought a can opener. (Klonie Jordan is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger. You can contact him via e-mail at editor@gaffneyledger.com) |
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