What voters really want

So you want to be an elected official?

You've tossed your hat into the ring and right now you are very nervous because the primary elections are right around the corner.

A whole bunch of things are probably running through your mind at this point in your existing or would-be political career. For example, you're probably wondering:

- If you put out enough campaign signs,

- If the signs you did put out were placed in locations where they will have the most impact,

- If you should have challenged your opponent to a debate, - Why they call them "stump meetings,"

- Where you buy that stuff you use to remove bumper stickers,

- If you can recycle campaign buttons,

- Why professional women golfers are allowed to wear shorts but professional men golfers aren't.

What?

OK, now your mind is wandering. Try to stay focused.

And for Pete's sake, relax, will ya.

You did your best. You followed your heart, you raised as much money as you could and spent it as effectively as possible (perhaps you even tapped into your children's college fund or your 501k), you attended countless breakfasts/lunches/dinners/stump meetings/ civic club gatherings/car washes/yard sales/revivals/traveling evangelist tent meetings/bluegrass festivals/family reunions/barn raisings/corn shuckings/quiltings in an effort to persuade as many voters as possible to support you.

You have done all you can do. Now it's in the hands of the voters. They will decide whose campaign signs will stay in place until November and whose campaign signs will be plucked from the earth and discarded, or at least placed in storage in the attic or behind that old chest of drawers in the back of the garage until you decide sometime later if or when you might once again pursue your desire to become a member of the council/commission/board of your choosing.

You have no doubt on numerous occasions asked yourself and your advisors this question:

What do the voters really want?

Well, I don't know about other voters, but what I really want is some help with the chores around the house. I mean, let's face it, there's only so much one person can do about health care costs, Social Security, inflation, soaring gas prices and tort reform.

So I have come to the conclusion that I will vote for the candidate who takes me up on my offer to come over to the house on a Saturday and spend the day helping me, John Q. Voter, get some work done.

I believe this is what the voters really want - especially since this is the spring cleaning season. As a matter of fact, that's probably why the primaries are scheduled for spring in the first place - so candidates can grab a rag and a bottle of Windex and get to dusting and a wiping.

So if you really want my support, don't promise me the moon and stars. I don't need a chicken in my pot. Heaven knows I eat enough chicken as it is. And I don't know who Tippecanoe is, or Tyler either, for that matter. What I do know is I got some shutters that need painting; some brickwork that needs pressure-washing; some bare spots in the yard that need to be tilled up, filled with fresh topsoil and re-seeded; and some islands in the yard that need re-mulching.

So Mr., or Mrs., or Ms. Candidate, if you want my vote, put away your full-color brochures and clever spiels and slip on some coveralls and come on over to the old homestead.

And when your political career takes you to the top, maybe even to the White House, I can point to the TV with pride during the State of the Union address and tell whomever is still awake with me in the rec room of the old folks home that the president once came to my house and cleaned the gutters.

Good luck with your campaign. You are truly a great American.

(Klonie Jordan is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger. You can contact him via e-mail at editor@gaffneyledger.com)