Dear Annie: I have an older brother who is 38. "Elton" has suffered from depression for a long time. In earlier years, he got help, but now he refuses and is convinced everyone is out to get him.

My problem is, he uses the family members for his needs only. He treats my parents horribly. He lived with them for almost two years (between jobs) and wouldn't help out at all, not even cleaning his own room.

Now Elton is upset with me because I don't want to argue with him over the phone. It was about some really unimportant matter, and when I told him I wasn't interested in a fight, he slammed the phone in my ear. I can no longer deal with the hurtful things Elton does to me, and he's been abusive. Right now, I am taking a break from my brother. My parents, however, do not like this decision. They always want me to be the one to say "Sorry," even if I don't owe him an apology. They also don't like the idea of my brother not seeing my kids. They feel this is good for him, almost like therapy.

How do I stand up for myself when everyone else bends to my brother's every wish for fear he'll do something irrational?

- Trying to Stand in Illinois

Dear Illinois: Elton sounds more than depressed. He sounds mentally ill and apparently has little control over his emotions and actions. While he should not be using your children as "therapy," it might help you and your family to understand more thoroughly what is going on so you can respond appropriately. Please contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) at 1-800-950-NAMI (1-800- 950-6264) and ask for assistance.

Doesn't want friend's ashes

Dear Annie: The husband of one of my best friends recently passed away. "Arlene" asked if I would like some of his ashes. I explained to her that I find the thought of having someone's ashes in my home not only a bit gruesome, but a constant sorrowful reminder of that person. Well, she sent them to me, anyway.

Luckily, she sent them to my office, which is where they remain, because I don't want them in my house. The package is still sitting, unopened, in the bottom drawer of one of my file cabinets. I again told Arlene that I'm not comfortable with his remains, and she said I need to "get over it."

I'm going on a cruise in the near future and thought I might scatter the ashes at sea (which was actually the deceased's request), but if I tell Arlene, she'll be insulted and upset. She wants me to HAVE them and KEEP them!

Do you have any suggestions as to how I might "dispose" of this issue?

- New York

Dear N.Y.: Arlene is being selfish to insist that you cherish these ashes as much as she does, and you are under no obligation to do so. Tell Arlene you are going to honor her husband's wishes and scatter his ashes at sea. If she becomes upset, let her know the alternative is to return the ashes to her. Period.

Deal with the situation now

Dear Annie: This is for "Frustrated in Florida," who thinks staying with her gay husband is somehow "protecting" her teenage children. Wrong. I was the gay husband in a similar situation, and can tell her that the best thing to do is openly discuss the situation with a competent therapist.

One day, the children will learn their father is gay. Dealing with the situation now will allow them to guide their kids through this difficult revelation. It also will open up new prospects in their own lives. They both crave what's been missing.

My wife and I ultimately divorced, and our children are now well-adjusted individuals in their 20s who enjoy good relationships with both of us, and my ex-wife has found happiness with a man who truly loves and appreciates her.

- Happy Now

Dear Happy: Thanks for sharing your story. We are sure it will help others in the same situation.