ANNIE'S MAILBOX

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for four years and together for six. Each of us has a young child from a previous relationship, and we have a toddler daughter together.

At first, his 9-year-old son, "Dean," stayed with us almost every weekend and at least one or two nights during the week. Then it was every other weekend and one night a week, then down to every other weekend, all Dean's choice. Now it's reached the point where he doesn't want to come over at all.

Dean claims the rules are too strict and I treat him "different." Annie, I don't think our rules are strict, but at his mother's house, he has no rules at all. I've gone out of my way to be nice to him and include him in everything. We have always done a lot of activities together as a family. I've even backed off on the parenting and let my husband be in charge of Dean's rules. I don't know what else to do.

It's normal for Dean to be up until midnight on school nights and 5 a.m. on weekends. He has no boundaries on the kind of TV programs he's allowed to watch, and you would cringe to hear the adult programming he speaks of. He also doesn't understand why he can't have unlimited access to snacks at our house. It doesn't help that Dean's mom takes his side and trashes us in front of him.

My husband is close to giving in out of desperation to see his son. I don't think he's doing the boy any favors by eliminating all structure and discipline. Not only is it bad for Dean, it's unfair to the other children. This is starting to tear our family apart. What should we do?

- Wicked Stepmother

Dear Stepmother: Dean is testing you both, but children truly do not want to see their parents give up their authority. It makes them feel insecure. Can your husband speak to his ex-wife, calmly, and explain that a lack of discipline is harmful to their son? Would she consider family counseling? In any event, Dean and his mother should abide by the court-ordered visitation arrangement (if there isn't one, talk to a lawyer). Dean should know his father loves him enough to fight for him.

Suffocated by blubber

Dear Annie: I've finally found someone I think I might like to marry. He's perfect in every way except one - he's carrying about 50 extra pounds, which literally get in the way in bed. Not only does it limit what we can do, but I can hear him wheezing after a couple of minutes, and this seriously affects my enjoyment of the event. I start worrying about him and become focused on his physical mass.

We are both in our 50s. I am very health conscious and in good physical shape for my age. How do I tell a sensitive, thoughtful, wonderful man that he's just too fat? Am I being superficial?

- Suffocated by Blubber

Dear Suffocated: Not if he's wheezing. Don't make his weight the focus of your concerns. Tell him, lovingly, that you've noticed he seems to have trouble breathing and you are deeply worried about his health. Ask him to see his doctor and offer to start walking with him. If he's unwilling, you have to decide if you care for him enough as he is.

A reason to be proud

Dear Annie: People shouldn't get too upset when kids won't say the Pledge of Allegiance. For a while, when my son was in high school, he refused to say it, to the alarm and dismay of school administrators. I calmly discussed his choice with my son, but left it up to him.

After high school, he went to college but didn't graduate. He took a job, and then, to everyone's surprise, enlisted in the Marines. He has been in Afghanistan, is now stationed in Okinawa, and could not be more loyal to the United States and to the Marine Corps.

- Proud Mom