I'm tackling that honey-do list any day now

I fully intended to get some work done around the house when I recently took a few days of my vacation time.

I was going to be like those Scrubbing Bubbles - only with power tools and a goatee.

I was going to be a movin', and a shakin', and stuff was going to be flying up in the air and there was going to be

hammerin' and sawin' noises and the biggest flurry of activity since Tom and Jerry went at each other with chainsaws.

Grown men would weep and fall to their knees in homage when they'd drive by my house and see everything I had going on.

Yes sir, there was gonna be some stuff happenin'.

'Cause I was taking some time off specifically for fix-up man stuff.

I had a plan.

Which reminds me, you know who else had a plan?

Custer.

You know how it is when you have to work for a living. The missus will occasionally remind you of some of those "honey-dos" that need to get "honeydone" and you always respond by saying something like, "I don't have time. I reckon I'm just going to have to take a day or two off work and get caught up on some stuff around here."

Gentlemen, let me tell you something about working around the house.

It can't be done if you're by yourself because, as men, we're easily distracted. We might intend to build a deck but what we will wind up doing is watching grasshoppers to see which one can jump the farthest. Or we'll make up some mindless game, like seeing how many nails we can throw into an empty paint bucket from various distances. We'll check our watches every now and again and say, "I'm going to get to work right after that big grasshopper with the yellow spot clears that last pine cone."

Like it or not, in order for us to get chores done, we have to have the wives there. We've got to have them there for two reasons. One, so they can supervise and motivate us; and two, so we can show them how much they need their big brawny man around.

And they'll ooh and aah and tell us how strong and talented and smart we are - until they get out of earshot and then they'll say something to themselves like, "That moron would climb a tree and jump out of it naked on a bed of nails if I bragged on him."

OK, so we never said we weren't shallow.

Ladies, tell us how sexy and cool we are and we'll fight a bear for ya.

OK, maybe not a bear, but a slightly annoyed squirrel or maybe a mildly agitated rabbit.

So anyway, like I said, I had this list of things in mind that I was going to do and I thoroughly intended to do all of them. But here's what really happened pretty much every day I was off work.

5 a.m.: Wake up.

5:15 a.m.: Stumble into den, pull favorite afghan over me and tune into ESPN News.

5:17 a.m.: "Barry Bonds, Barry Bonds, blah-blah-blah." Who cares?

5:18 a.m.: Begin channel surfing. 5:30 a.m.: Realize that TV is a vast wasteland at 5:30 in the morning.

6 a.m.: Decide to go back to sleep.

6:01 a.m.: Change mind. Eat bowl of cereal instead.

6:17 a.m.: Doze off in recliner.

8 a.m.: Wake up raring to get started on that "honey-do" list.

8:01 a.m.: Notice The Beverly Hillbillies is coming on. This is the one where Mr. Drysdale fakes a snowstorm so Granny won't go back home to the hills. Classic.

8:31 a.m.: Notice another episode of The Beverly Hillbillies is coming on.

9:01 a.m.: Doze off in recliner again.

Noon: Get up and make favorite lunch - baloney and Pringles sandwich with Vlasic pickle on the side.

12:01: Can't resist holding Vlasic pickle like cigar and doing imitation of Groucho Marx: "Now that's the craziest pickle I ever hoid."

12:15 p.m.: Have hankering for second baloney and Pringles sandwich.

12:30 p.m.: Check e-mail. Surf Internet.

2:30 p.m.: Take nap.

5:30 p.m.: Wake up. Check to see what time Reds game comes on.

5:35 p.m.: Get back on Internet to check out Bob Vila Web site to help me get in work mood.

5:40 p.m.: Exhausted from reading all that home repair stuff.

5:42 p.m.: Take another nap. 7:10 p.m.: Wake up. Reds game starts. 9:40 p.m.: Game ends. I'm bushed.

This working around the house stuff is killing me. I need a vacation.

G'night y'all.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.