Excuse me while I change the station

Excuse me while I change the station

OK, so here we are in the middle of the season in which scary, ugly goblins are roaming the earth, frightening us all half to death.

And that's just the presidential pre-primary debates.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

But speaking of scary stuff, the other day I was driving along on Hwy 29 toward Blacksburg, minding my own business, listening to my XM radio, tuned in to one of the country channels and everything was cool.

There was Trace Adkins belting out "I Got My Game On" and I was thinking about how much he and I are alike, except that I'm so much better looking, and I was daydreaming about going to Nashville and making a music video right after I write my hit song about ... well, I'm not sure yet what it's going to be about, but I am pretty sure it's going to be a hit.

At this point, allow me to remind you that it is important to keep one's eyes on the road at all times, especially if you're driving a motor vehicle. Some of us have way too many gadgets in our cars, which often causes us to become a bit distracted. The iPod for example, sometimes demands my attention but I always try to wait until I can pull over somewhere before I fiddle with it. Same goes for my cell phone, I almost always pull off the road before making or answering a cell phone call.

Then there's the aforementioned XM radio. I have all my favorite channels pre-set, so it's just a matter of pushing the right button to find the station I want. And I can do that by feel. For example, the 80s station is the first button, USA Country is the second button, ESPN News is the third button, etc., etc.

However, sometimes one has to glance down at the digital readout to find the name of the song that's playing or the person singing it. One would think that such a maneuver would only take a second or two. One would think that a quick glance from the windshield down to the center console and back up could be done so fast that there couldn't possibly be any potential disastrous consequences.

And one would be wrong.

Do you know how long it takes to drive one's vehicle into the river?

Well, thankfully I don't either. But if I was guessing, I'd say it's approximately the length of time it takes for one to lose one's balance and fall over sideways in one's vehicle.

I know this because at about the point where I was getting ready to cross the new Hwy. 29 bridge, a certain country group that I don't really care for came on and I reached for the radio to change the station so fast that I purt near dislocated my shoulder. And being in a hurry and lunging for the radio and all, I not only missed the row of pre-set station buttons - I MISSED THE RADIO ENTIRELY - leaving me leaning over pretty much touching the floorboard on the passenger side.

This was not a pretty sight. I was crossways in the car and couldn't get a firm enough hold of anything to be able to sit back upright.

I was, however, able to apply the brake and slow to a safe stop. I finally was able to right myself and - WHOA! - right there in my windshield was the bridge abutment.

I hadn't come close to hitting it, but still my life flashed before my eyes (it was a boring low-budget film) and I said to myself as I was finally able to breathe normally again, "Self, what have we learned from this?"

And Self answered, "Don't be messing with the XM radio buttons while you're driving, you moron."

Self knows me pretty well.

So if you notice a white SUV going down the road and all you can see are a couple of feet sticking out the driver side window - well, that would be me.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.