Romance is expensive

Being the hopeless romantic devil I am, a few days ago I began checking on weekend accommodations befitting a couple about to celebrate their 24th wedding anniversary.

I checked with some of your more well-known multiple star-rated hotels and have come to this conclusion - I cannot afford romantic.

At least not in a multiple star-rated hotel sort of way.

I called a hotel that has worldwide-acclaimed resort facilities and inquired about the possibility of booking a stay there. The lady on the other end of the telephone was polite and patient but it soon became apparent to both of us that I was not going to be able to afford a weekend getaway at her

fine establishment.

The lady explained to me about the various accommodations packages and what each one involved. She described in some great detail what I could expect to get for my money.

Here is basically how the conversation went:

ME: "Yes ma'am. I'd like to check on perhaps securing a room for the weekend for me and the missus. We're celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary."

SHE: "Oh how lovely. Well, we have a number of packages to choose from. Were you looking for something in particular?"

ME: "No ma'am. Not really. I was just hoping for, you know, something nice and romantic with candles and soft lights and a nice view from the balcony. That sort of thing."

SHE: "I see. Well, we have a honeymoon/anniversary special which includes two days in a luxury suite. The rate includes breakfast and dinner in our main dining room each day. There is also access to our world-class spa and whirlpool garden."

ME: "Really? I'm not even sure what a 'whirlpool garden' is but the spa part sounds nice. But let me guess - there's an extra charge for that, right?"

SHE: "Yes sir. The spa is extra but the prices are very reasonable, depending on the services you choose. By the way, the package comes with in-room champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries."

(OK, I like chocolate. And strawberries too, for that matter.)

ME: "And how much would this weekend package cost me?"

SHE: "It would come to a little over $700 a night." ME: "G-a-a-s-s-s-p-p-p!"

SHE: "Sir? Sir? Are you alright?"

ME (GROPING FOR THE SMELLING SALTS AND NITROGLYCERIN TABLETS): "W-h-e-e-e-z-z-z-e-e-e. W-h-ee e-z-z-z-e-e-e. I must have misunderstood you. It sounded like you said $700 a night."

SHE: "Yes sir. That's correct."

ME: "That's a little pricey for me. I've bought cars that didn't cost that much."

SHE: "Well, I think you'll be very impressed with our facilities and services. They are world-class, you know."

ME: "Yes ma'am, I understand that. But isn't there something for people like me who are a little more cost-conscious, or as you rich folks might put it - cheap?"

SHE: "What did you have in mind?"

ME: "Well, maybe instead of champagne, we could get, let's see, I don't know, maybe a nice pitcher of Kool-Aid. You guys could choose the flavor. Whatever you have laying around in the kitchen is fine with us. And maybe instead of the chocolate-covered strawberries we could get something maybe a little less exotic, like … uh, uh … how about a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?"

SHE: "Sir, I would really like to accommodate you but it would be very difficult to substitute items without charging you a service fee."

ME: "Yeah. That's what I thought. Thanks anyway. I guess I'll have to make other arrangements."

So that's what I did.

I want to surprise her so I can't tell you where we will be staying. Let's just say that a nice man named Tom Bodett said he would leave the light on for us.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.