LEDGER COLUMNIST

It goes without saying that stolen merchandise is "hot" property.

But I'm beginning to wonder if stolen merchandise can be "hot" in more ways than one.

For about five years before I joined the staff of The Gaffney Ledger as a police and courts reporter, I earned my living as a business and personal finance writer. That meant telling people how to save a buck, grow a buck and spend a buck more wisely.

Professional and insurance liabilities always precluded me from ever being able to recommend specific investments. I was not part of a big team that could dive into the finances of hundreds or thousands of companies and make really educated guesses on which stocks represented the best bets.

Besides, how could I as a person with an admittedly horrible track record in stock investments ever tell people where they should put their money? Unless you consider them priceless works of art worthy of being hung on a wall, my absolutely worthless stock certificates from USAirways - from before the airline's first of two bankruptcies this decade - were proof enough I had no business telling anyone where to place their cash.

But just like you can't take the thrill of the hunt out of an old hound, I still can't stop thinking about investments and where I can either score big or lose cash once again.

Which leads me back to stolen merchandise and "hot" property.

I'm not talking about stealing to make a quick buck. I, like the vast majority of residents in Cherokee County, work darn hard for my pay and would have it no other way.

No, what I'm really talking about is getting ahead of the curve.

Some of the biggest gains in the stock market occur when investors get in on the ground floor of the next big thing.

Who's the maker of that gotta-have "gizmo" on everyone's Christmas list this year or the maker of those "whatchamacallits" the kids have to have?

What would Paris Hilton describe as "so hot" that young teens would rush to malls?

Why didn't I buy Microsoft back in the 1980s?

I'm not really smart enough to get ahead of trends and make a buck on them. My clothes are always a decade behind the times. My pants are baggy because my belly requires a pant size that is disproportionate to the size of my legs, not because of a fashion statement.

Upon my daily tasks of perusing police reports at the Gaffney Police Department and the Cherokee County Sheriff's Office, however, I stumbled upon a completely stupid idea.

If crooks are stealing something, the stolen item must be in demand! And something that is stolen generally has to be replaced, leading to market activity!

Yeah, like I said, it is a stupid idea.

Police reports shows just about anything that isn't bolted down, and even some things that are bolted down, can get pilfered in today's society.

Still, if I had to come up with a short list on the most "in demand" items locally based on police reports, a few jump to mind.

1.) Newport cigarettes - I don't know what it is about menthol cancer sticks but Newport cigarettes literally have been flying off the shelves. I can recite the Surgeon General's warnings on cigarettes, but I really can't say if they're a good investment bet or not. I'll leave that one up to you.

2.) Copper - With sky-high scrap metal prices this nonprecious metal has been disappearing from homes and HVAC units. That leads to an interesting question. Would you play the investment game with copper in the makers of copper wire or pipes, with the producers of raw copper or copper mines, or with a publicly-traded scrap dealer?

3.) Women's purses - It doesn't matter whether the purse is a Gucci or a faux leather bag of unknown make and dubious fashion sense. If you leave one sitting in your car, you seem to be asking for trouble. Not only will the purse owner have to replace a purse, and likely a car window, they'll also have to get new wallets, new keys, new driver's licenses, new credit cards, new photos, new makeup and whatever else the average woman might store in there.

4.) Christmas decorations - The theft of these items always catches my eye. A newspaper person can see "Grinch" in the headline before the story is written. There are missing decoration reports out there for Santas, both inflatable and hard plastic, as well as for lights and electrical cords. Since you can't extinguish the spirit of Christmas, it's more than likely all of those decorations will be replaced with something bigger, better and more costly by next Christmas.

So what's hot? I really, truthfully, don't know.

The last thing stolen from me was a magnetic Penn State Nittany Lion paw print adorning the tailgate of my pickup. It was valuable to me because I'm a fan of "Linebacker U." I can't see an upside from an investment