Wanna 'play through'?
Klonie JORDAN

There are many occasions in our lives when it is important to know what some snobbity-snobs call "etiquette."

We, as men, have never really been very fond of etiquette. We feel that basic "man sense" should trump etiquette every time,

For example, say you're at a fancy dinner party and prior to the first course being served, you - GASP! - drop your fork.

What do you do?

Well, etiquette books have several pages devoted to this one simple faux pas. This is absurd because we common-sense males don't need to read several pages of guidelines to handle this simple problem.

Here's what you do. You pick up the dropped utensil, briskly wipe it with your napkin, and then when no one is looking, you switch it with the fork of the person sitting next to you. If you are concerned that he or she might see you trying to pull the switcheroo, simply yell "HEY LOOK! IT'S ELVIS!" This will almost always draw attention away from the fork maneuver.

See, problem solved.

This same common-sense theory can also be used in situations regarding golf.

For example, there will be occasions when a group of players in front of you will be playing slower than your group. When this occurs, the slower group might invite you to "play through." While this might be considered an act of courtesy, I must advise you to decline this offer.

The reason you should do this is because there is a force in the universe that will cause you to forget everything you ever knew about golf if you attempt to "play through" another group. You will always do something foolish and/or disastrous if you ever attempt this maneuver because it breaks your timing and rhythm. You will get in a hurry and inevitably make a fool of yourself.

If you ever attempt to "play through" you might as well do the dance of the sugar-plum fairies around the tee box in your Fruit of the Looms while balancing a beach ball on your nose because that will be LESS EMBARRASSING than what will happen if you actually attempt to hit a golf ball in that situation.

I once saw a guy in a "play through"situation kill a wading bird with a low line drive. In another instance a fellow accidentally hit the ball with a practice swing and broke the windshield of a Buick in the parking lot.

So whatever happens - DON'T EVER, EVER "play through."

Which brings us to the topic of golf equipment. There are thousands of clubs and gadgets out there. Some of the clubs are very expensive and, according to the infomercial, will help you take strokes off your game and allow you to hit the ball straight down the fairway farther and more confidently than ever before. Some of these clubs are so high-tech that you don't even have to swing them. All you have to do is let them out of the car and they run onto the course and play by themselves.

They are now manufacturing huge "oversize" drivers that look like a graphite shaft glued to a cinder block. I was playing with a guy one day and he pulled a driver like that out of his bag and told us how much it cost, which was roughly twice my annual salary. "No matter how you hit the ball, this club will cause it to go straight," he boasted. Then he teed up a ball, took a mighty swing with his high-tech, super-expensive club and struck the ball, which went dead-left into the forest and killed four squirrels, two raccoons and a rabbit before it stopped ricocheting off the trees. For the next several weeks, little forest animals packed their suitcases and moved away from the golf course to less-dangerous environments near military shooting ranges and toxic waste dumps.

There is much more I could tell you about the intricacies and etiquette of golf and we'll get to it right after I finish my dinner.

Oops, I dropped my fork. Gotta go.

HEY LOOK, IT'S ELVIS!

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.