Check engine soon, you moron
Klonie JORDAN

Under the heading of "Vague Descriptive Phrases" file this one:

"CHECK ENGINE SOON."

Chances are you've seen this generic warning on your dashboard a time or two.

Does anyone know what it means?

Well, it used to be that only a handful of specially trained mechanical geniuses knew what it meant and how to fix it.

But that ain't the way it is anymore. I'll come back to this in a minute because there's an exciting new development in this area.

Meanwhile, some automotive engineers were sitting around in their white pocket protector-equipped lab coats one day gazing longingly at the centerfold in their "Geek Digest" magazine, which in this particular edition was a foldout of a schematic from a 1984 AMC Eagle, when one of them had a brilliant idea.

"Eureka!" he shouted. "Do you know what would be a really good device to add to a car? IDIOT LIGHTS."

Several images ran through the minds of the geeks gathered around the table, many of them wondering exactly what kind of procedure would be used to identify all the idiots and insert a light on their person signifying their idiocy. Perhaps they could be brought down with tranquilizer darts and then the appropriate light insertion maneuver performed.

But it turns out that's not at all what the automotive engineer meant.

He continued.

"We could place warning lights on the dashboards of vehicles that would activate in the event one or more of the systems or devices on the vehicle malfunctioned or reached a near-dangerous level," he explained.

They reached for their clipboards and multi-colored markers and began to sketch and calculate in some great detail exactly how this monumental concept could be brought to fruition.

In the midst of their calculations, one of the automotive engineers looked up and said, "It suddenly occurs to me that an inquiry regarding the term 'idiot lights' is in order. Why would we call them that?"

"Because," the first automotive engineer answered. "They would point out what was wrong with the vehicle in such a manner that even an idiot could figure out what was required to make the repair."

"Ah-h-h," they all responded, nodding in unison.

Great minds that think and nod in unison will often respond with "ah-h-hs."

And so the "idiot light" was born. The first generation of them warned of things like dangerous oil pressure, temperature and voltage levels. And as vehicles became more and more advanced, "idiot lights" were adapted and improved upon to include audible warnings for times when drivers forgot to fasten seat belts, or left their keys in the ignition or their headlights turned on.

The concept began to get more and more high-tech as computers came to the forefront of much of the design and research phases of vehicular design.

And all was well and good for awhile.

And then.

At some point there was introduced to the panel of "idiot lights" one that when activated did not refer to a specific problem or an exact corrective course of action to take. Instead, it warned that one should "CHECK ENGINE SOON."

And an entire generation of motorists was perplexed and confused. "What does this mean?" they wondered aloud as they scratched their heads and randomly crashed into each other. And the only persons who knew were the geeks in the pocket protector-equipped lab coats. It was their way of regaining some of the power and control they had lost in their introduction and perfection of the "idiot lights" concept.

My "CHECK ENGINE SOON" light came on the other day. So I did exactly what the light said I should do. I stopped my vehicle, pulled the hood latch lever, got out and checked to see if the engine was still there. Sure enough it was right there where it has always been.

So I did "CHECK ENGINE SOON" just like the light instructed and not just "soon" but practically immediately but still when I got back inside and started her back up, the light remained on. So I figure the light doesn't really mean "CHECK ENGINE SOON." What it really means is "BRING TO MECHANIC SOON" because I am apparently a moron and not qualified to analyze intricate mechanical devices.

And while this might indeed be the case, there is a new device now on the market that helps resolve this problem. It's a handheld digital analyzer that plugs into the onboard computer (sounds Star-Trekkie, don't it?) of most late-model vehicles. It will tell you why the "CHECK ENGINE SOON" light came on.

It's called "CarMD" and can be purchased for about $90.

Being that I love gadgets and especially those that will help save me money while at the same time furthering my education regarding automotive analytical procedures, it would only seem right and proper that I acquire one of these devices.

Or I could stick with what I was doing before - flying in a witch doctor to mix up some herbs and stump water and eye of newt and skin of toad and tail of salamander and dance around my vehicle in a grass skirt by the light of a full moon.

However, this has become a much more expensive proposition than it used to be, what with the cost of airline travel and all.

Not to mention eye of newt. Have you priced a jar of eye of newt lately?

And you just can't get good skin of frog anymore. They're usually either over-dried or not dried enough.

And stump water. I don't have to tell you how difficult it is to find a good batch of stump water.

No, I think I'm going to go high-tech from now on regarding the old "CHECK ENGINE SOON" light.

Now if they could just come up with an "idiot light" that will tell me what's wrong with my golf game.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.