LEDGER COLUMNIST
Things I don't know very much about
Klonie JORDAN
There are a lot of things I don't know much about.

For example, sports programming.

I have my own personal theory about how you can tell if something is a sport.

From my way of thinking, for something to be a sport, two things have to be present.

1.) There has to be hand-eye coordination;

2.) There has to be a ball.

If either of these is missing, what you've got yourself is a contest, or an activity, or a board game. But that's just me. I know not everyone shares that viewpoint.

Which is fine with me. Believe what you want to believe and I will still hope that we can be friends.

Besides, ESPN televises a lot of things that don't involve hand/eye coordination and any type of ball. For example, they show people playing poker, and I think they even show that national spelling bee thing (whatever that's called) and they televise hockey, and swimming, and cheerleading, the supporters of which could all make legitimate arguments for sports status. Which, being a wise and ancient sage (I used to be handsome and clever instead of wise and ancient, but I have evolved) I believe that sports is, after all, a personal preference. If you like bocce ball, more power to you. I don't know what a bocce is or why they would turn one into a ball, but that's beside the point. If you enjoy it, go bocce it up.

And speaking of evolution, that's another thing I apparently don't know much about. Some folks believe we got to where we are today after converting ourselves from some sort of micro-organism that once lived in the sea and one day (I think it was a Thursday) we dragged ourselves out of the water, started breathing air and then went through various stages of transformation until we became modern men.

Of course, some people also like to spike their eggnog.

I don't know much about evolution because I don't believe in evolution. I don't buy the whole big-bang theory. I was talking to a preacher about this the other day and he made a good point (he's a really smart preacher). He said, paraphrasing now, "If there was a big bang that we can credit for creating the planet, how come we don't see things banging together out there now? I don't see anything banging together up in the sky and things magically appearing."

Ha-ha. Guess he told them.

Which brings us to fashion (OK, I know that wasn't a smooth segue, but I'm not a talk show host here; I'm just trying to get from Point A to Point B; try to keep up, will ya) and the notion that baggy britches (you know those saggy pants that some folks wear down around their hips, sometimes so low that their underwear shows) are cool, let me just say two things:

1.) Nobody wants to see your underwear;

And

2.) I would love to have seen you try to convince my dad that the notion of wearing your britches like that was an acceptable fashion statement.

DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMEN: "Good day sir. We represent the 'Baggy Britches Are So Cool Company' and we'd like to offer you a real deal. Today - and today only - we are offering three pairs of baggy britches for the price of two."

MY DAD: "You're what? What are you selling?"

DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMEN: "Baggy britches, sir. They're the latest and greatest fashion craze. Everybody is going to be wearing them. Here, I'd like you to meet Lester. He's wearing a pair of them. Turn around there Lester so he can get a good look at these wonderful britches."

Lester twirls like a ballerina.

MY DAD: "Let me ask you something. How do you keep them things from falling down? I can see his drawers already. If he drops his wallet and bends over to pick it up, he's going to have a real problem."

DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMEN: "Oh, I can assure you sir. These britches are snug-fitting and do not present a potential wardrobe malfunction disaster."

MY DAD: "Uh-huh, I see. Well then, I reckon I've just got to get me a pair or two of them britches (HEAVY SARCASM HERE). You boys wait right here while I go get my wallet."

DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMEN: "Thank you sir.We'll just wait right here and ..."

DOOR SLAM!

But seriously, if you want to wear baggy britches, well, I reckon that's entirely up to you.

And finally, speaking of things I don't know much about, let's talk Christmas decorating. I have no sense of what looks good in a room. If it were up to me, we'd have 20 highdef TVs at our house and a few bean bag chairs scattered around to sit on. Oh, and one of those big wooden cable spools to use as a coffee table.

But thankfully, my wife does the interior decorating. I went to bed Saturday night and woke up the next morning and there were Christmas trees, and a wonderfully decorated mantle, and little holiday things all over the place. It was like Santa had already been there. I got so excited that I rushed right out and bought myself a gift.

Yes sir, nothing says holiday spirit like buying yourself a nice gift.

What?

Hey, at least you'll know you get something you really want. I don't want to be sitting around the tree on Christmas morning and open a box full of socks.

So, if you're having difficulty getting in the holiday spirit, buy someone (for example - me) a nice Christmas gift. You'll feel so much better. If you're having trouble deciding what to get someone (for example - me), well, money is always a good choice.

I've got to run now. Hey, you boys there in the back - pull them britches up. Ain't nobody wanting to see your drawers.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.