If y'all need me I'll be under the house

So I was sitting there watching this NCAA Basketball Tournament thing Saturday and I wasn't really all that interested in it. I think I was just watching it out of habit, watching it just because I have been watching 'em for all these years and you're supposed to watch 'em.

It was like going to the ballet with your wife because you promised her you would if she let you buy those chrome floorboards for your motorcycle. You don't really care what happens. You're just waiting for it to be over.

So I took a look at the brackets and noticed how it looks to me like they've set this up for a certain team to win it.

After reviewing this and glancing at the screen one more time, I said to myself, "this is nuts. I'm not watching this nonsense anymore."

Now I know what you're saying. You're saying, "you're just mad because your Dukies lost." You're saying, "you've GOT to watch the tournament, man, it's Americana, it's tradition."

I'm not mad because Duke lost because they've been a classic bunch of overachievers all year. They got off to a hot start and rode the momentum until it ran out. They weren't supposed to be very good this year. They were supposed to pretty good next year. Coach K is the only coach in the nation who could have taken this bunch of freshman point guards and won 28 games.

And this tournament is not as much Americana as it used to be. It reeks of favoritism and entertainment more than anything else. Collegiate sports is as much about politics, merchandising and TV contracts as it is about competing. It's big business. Its Hollywood-esque is more glitz than substance.

So I changed the channel. There was a movie about a guy who filled a bunch of balloons with helium and tied them to a lawn chair just to see if he could get off the ground in it.

HOW COOL IS THAT?

Tell me you wouldn't rather watch a guy floating off in a balloon-powered lawn chair than some goofy basketball game.

DUDE, IT WAS BALLOONS TIED TO A LAWN CHAIR!

YOU GOTTA WATCH THAT!

I know it sounds great, but DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. This poor guy actually got airborne and all was well as he was floating past the high-rise office buildings waving at the surprised people sitting at their desks, but then it got frightening when he was blown into a thunderstorm. And the journey ended when he floated over a small town festival and got shot down by fireworks.

He survived and the plot deteriorated from there. I think it might have turned into some kind of silly love story deal, so I turned it off.

Then I sat there thinking, "what can I do that would be more fun than watching this college basketball fiasco?"

Then it hit me. I needed to replace the filter in our HVAC unit. Now this involves getting down on one's hands and knees and crawling for several feet under the house. Then you have to lie there in the dark with a flashlight in one hand and try to unscrew three rusty wing nuts with the other hand while heaven-knows-what might be slithering or crawling around next to you or over you. It's a dirty, slightly scary process.

It's not very Hollywood and not much of a merchandising opportunity. I mean who's going to buy a T-shirt that reads, "I CRAWLED UNDER A HOUSE AND CHANGED A FILTER"?

But it was still more fun than what they call a college basketball tournament these days.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.