The photograph taken of me with my camera phone by one of the ladies at Dr. Nord's was intended to show my wife the frames I had selected for my new eyeglasses.

But she's either a really lousy photographer, or I have a really lousy camera phone, or, alas, yours truly

is beginning to develop a bit of a spare tire around the middle.

There I was sitting in that chair looking for all the world like Humpty-Dumpty. If I had been sitting on a wall, I would have surely fallen off it. I looked like a bullfrog in a National Geographic special.

"Holy buckets! I'm a Weeble!" I said aloud to no one in particular.

The bad news is there is some considerable midriff girth.

The good news is said girth is strategically located in one central area; therefore there should be some handydandy invention and/or strategy to tackle the problem and resolve it, allowing me to restore my once-svelte and sexy self to its former glory.

Enough is enough. I've had it. Therefore I hereby solemnly vow to LOSE 50 POUNDS BY THE END OF THE SUMMER!

This is my promise to you. You can write it down. On the first day of fall, we will take another photograph with the same camera and this time there will be a noticeable difference. I might not have six-pack abs but I won't have a keg belly either.

So there.

I tried to print a copy of that picture as a sort of motivational tool to help me attempt to be less girthy, but the printout weighed 104 pounds. When I taped it to the refrigerator door, the refrigerator fell over.

So go ahead and make your fat jokes while you can. Here's a few to get you started:

- Klonie's so fat when he goes to a restaurant, he looks at the menu and says "OK."

- Klonie bought a doughnut the other day and complained to the manager because there was a hole in it.

- Klonie got a shoeshine last week and had to take their word for it.

Go on. Get it out of your system because at the end of the summer when I've lost those 40 pounds I mentioned earlier, you won't be able to joke about it then.

I can't imagine how I got to this point. I mean, I pay attention to all the Charles Hamrick and John Travers health tips at the Rotary Club meetings.

And I sometimes exercise. The other day the remote was all the way on the other side of the room and I GOT UP AND WALKED over there to get it.

So I don't know where these extra pounds are coming from.

Oh, excuse me for a sec, will ya.

ME: "Hey honey, I'm hungry. Will you bring me a snack?"

SHE: "What do you want?"

ME: "Let's see. Something light. How about a couple of cheeseburgers?"

SHE: "What do you want on 'em?"

ME: "Well, I'm not in the mood for anything too heavy. Just put some lettuce and tomato on them. Oh, and mayonnaise, lots of mayonnaise. And do we have any bacon?"

SHE: "Yes."

ME: "Then maybe a couple, or, uh, let's see … three, no, make it four or five … strips of bacon. Oh, and a couple of slices of cheese and some mushrooms."

SHE: "Anything else?"

ME: "Well, I could eat some French fries if you don't mind firing the deep fryer up."

Now, where were we? Oh yeah, like I was saying, I don't know how I've gained these extra pounds. I guess I'm going to have to cut out the between-meal snacks and change my eating habits altogether. But I can do that. All it takes is a little will power and I'll have lost those 30 pounds by the end of the summer without much difficulty at all.

And I suppose I will have to expand my exercise regimen. I figure I'm going to have to start hitting the treadmill. I know we have a treadmill because it's what I put my soda and chips and dip on when I'm sitting in my recliner in the bedroom watching the high-def TV. I'm going to turn that thing on and see if it actually works and then I'll lose those 20 pounds before you know it.

A few days ago my wife offered some advice about getting dressed.

"When you get ready for work, put your pants on, leave them unfastened and then sit on the bed and put your shoes on so bending over won't be so difficult," she theorized.

"Thank you," I said sarcastically. "Today's fat boy tip brought to you by Lard Butt Jeans. Lard Butt Jeans - when Circus Tent Jeans just aren't big enough anymore."

I don't know if she was serious or just messing with me but she doesn't know about my change in attitude, about my determination to start eating healthier and exercising more, about my absolute devotion to losing those 10 pounds by summer's end.

Yes sir. I'm going to be a brand new man by the time football season starts. I'm going to be walking tall and looking good.

You can look up "stud" in the dictionary and it will have my picture under it.

I'll have those 5 pounds off in no time.

I'm feeling lighter just talking about it.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.