With this 'butler bell' I thee wed

Who's going to take care of you when you get sick?

You ever think about that?

Who can you really trust to be at your side when you're down and out, physically speaking, and can't fend for yourself?

Why, your spouse, of course. You would, naturally, always honor the portion of the marriage vows that include the "in sickness and health" clause, right?

Of course you would.

Or would you?

I'll bet when you were standing up there in front of that preacher and those 200 wedding guests in your rented tuxedo with the shuffle of over-chiffoned bridesmaids and the muffled chuckles of your groomsmen circling about you, you didn't hear a word that was said. You were too busy trying to keep your knees from turning to jelly. You were doing your very best to just take your next breath, just to stay alive, praying the sweat would stop running down your face and you wouldn't collapse from sheer terror and anxiety right there in front of the gently-sobbing mother of the bride. You were hoping you wouldn't drop the ring.

Truth is when you were standing up there on that blessed nuptial day, you really had no idea what the preacher was asking you. Shucks, you were so blinded with fear you didn't even recognize the preacher even though he's the same guy you'd been listening to preach every Sunday for the past 15 years.

Yes sir. Men are creatures of two things - habit and survival. And right about then, your brain was telling the rest of your body to try to keep it together just long enough to get out of there alive.

You would have agreed to just about anything. You would have said "I do" if the preacher had asked if he could cut your ears off and make a necklace out of them.

Most guys will tell you that nobody took better care of them than their mothers. Mom was always there for us, but she was especially there for us when we got sick. Once our temperature rose above 98.7, our moms put us to bed, hand-fed us homemade goodies, tucked us in under extra blankets, adjusted the thermostat for us, made sure the television was on the right channel and put one of those little "butler bells" by the bed for us to ring in case we needed something - anything - at any time. Mom would go back downstairs and go about her daily routine but she would immediately notch up her sense of hearing so she could detect the sound of that bell and drop whatever she was doing and immediately rush to the aid of her son, because, darn it, "him is sick."

Males shut down when they are sick. Oh, the degree of sickness is not the point. From a simple case of the sniffles, to a broken limb, to yellow fever, all are good enough reasons to collapse into bed and expect to be waited on hand and foot by our wives. See, we expect our wives to know they are fully responsible for taking over the "him is sick" responsibilities once we leave our mothers.

Although not spoken, the "him is sick" responsibility should be considered automatically included in the "in sickness and health" part of the vows.

As a matter of fact, instead of the bride giving us a ring, maybe they should just give us one of those shiny little "butler bells" to use in the event we should ever become ill. We men are attracted to shiny things, you know, like golf clubs and chrome.

We're like magpies that way.

Stay healthy y'all.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.