I hate it when the customary vroom is not there
Klonie JORDAN

One of my favorite gifts last Christmas (or was it the year before?) was a remote starter for my car.

Now, being as I don't know much about installing things on automobiles, I took said remote starter to Traffic Jamz down on Stacy Drive and they installed it in a quick and efficient manner. They do good work down there.

So for the next several months, I could start my car from pretty much anywhere within a 100-foot or so radius.

This comes in extremely handy, especially on cold mornings. When you get out of the car the night before, you simply leave the heat on and the fan turned to high. Then, when you're getting dressed the next morning, you can start your car from the comfort of your toasty warm house and by the time you're ready to leave, your car is warmed up nicely.

So, on Thursday morning, I pointed the remote control starter toward the car just like I have many, many times before and pushed the button twice per the instructions.

Bzzzt. Bzzzt.

Bzzzt.

I hate that sound. It meant that either my car battery was dead or large unfriendly bumblebees were swarming somewhere within earshot.

You should know here that I am easily annoyed. I also have no patience. I want what I want when I want it and I want it RIGHT NOW.

So when I pointed my remote car starter and didn't get the customary "vroom," well, that just chapped my hide.

I hate it when things don't do what they're supposed to do. I hate it when things break, or fizzle, or wear out, or need to be replaced. This is doubly true when it comes to transportation. When your battery is dead, let's face it, you are at the mercy of someone who has a live battery, someone who can give you a boost. You are at the mercy of whomever you can get to assist you in reviving your conked out power source.

I HATE THAT!

I want my car to run when I need to go somewhere. I want my car to operate in an expedient and efficient manner. I want to cruise the friendly highways and byways of our great country and point and giggle at OTHER PEOPLE whose car batteries are dead. To put it succinctly, I need to be independently mobile.

The person on whose mercy I was suddenly thrown happened to be my wife. I called her up at work.

"Honey, my car won't start. The battery's dead."

"Your battery's dead? Do you need me to come home and give you a boost?"

STUPID QUESTION ALERT NO. 1 (HEAVY SARCASM HERE) "No, I need for you to go pour yourself a nice hot cup of coffee, kick back and watch the soaps, maybe do your nails." (HERE'S YOUR SIGN.)

OK, I didn't really say that or I would have been battery less AND HOSPITALIZED.

So she came home, I dragged out the booster cables and hooked them up and a few minutes later, the customary "vroom" returned, albeit it having been induced artificially.

I drove to the auto parts store and went inside.

"Can I help you?" the clerk asked.

STUPID QUESTION ALERT NO. 2 (MORE HEAVY SARCASM HERE) "No, I just came in because…duh…the colors on your building are really purty." (HERE'S YOUR SIGN.)

OK, I didn't really say that. I was just still very annoyed from the whole dead battery-and-having-todepend on-somebody-else thing and there was no need to take it out on the nice auto parts man.

"I need a battery."

"What kind would you like?"

"I want one that will jump-start the danged space shuttle."

He flipped through his parts-o-meter computer. "Best one I've got is right here. It's $85." "I'll take it. You're going to put it in for me, right?"

"Yes sir."

So I drove away a few minutes later with a brand new, powerful car battery that could probably light up the whole city of Gaffney, including the Christmas lights, for the next, oh, say, 20 years.

My car was fixed. I was once again independently mobile. Everything on my vehicle was working as it should.

That night just before I was ready to go home, I used the remote starter to start my car. When I went outside I noticed one of the headlights was out.

OH MAN!

The next day I went and bought a head lamp and installed it myself. (OK, somebody SHOWED ME HOW and THEN I installed it myself.)

So what have we learned from all this? Oh, you were expecting a moral.

Hey, I ain't no Hans Christian Andersen.

There's no moral. But if NASA calls, I've got the battery power to boost that space shuttle if they need it.

T minus 10…9…8…7…6…5…..

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.