Hello ... hello; Elvis? Is that you Elvis?
Klonie JORDAN

When you call a tech support or customer service telephone number, how come they sometimes say "this call may be monitored for quality control purposes?"

What does that mean exactly? When they answer the phone, does a secret spy-type agent listen in and run the call through some type of fancy digital analysis device?

Why would they do something that goofy? Are they hoping somebody who has been missing for a long time will call and they'll be able to recognize them? Do they have "voice prints" of, say, Jimmy Hoffa, and they try to match up the caller to the voice print? And if they're not doing that, then why would they be so concerned about the quality of telephone conversations? Are their phone lines notoriously poor? Is there a lot of static or does the audio sometimes fade out? Is there a quality control supervisor whose job it is at the end of the day to listen to all of these conversations and if so, how desperate is this person for a job?

I don't think customer service representatives give a flip about telephone conversation quality control. You know what I think? I think somebody somewhere is hoping Elvis eventually calls up and they can match him up with his "voice print" and prove he is still alive. Or they're hoping the aliens bring Amelia Earhart back and she calls up to report being UFO-napped.

Or maybe they've already found Elvis. Goodness knows what's been happening with this whole voice monitoring conspiracy system.

ELVIS: "Hello. Is this customer service?"

CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY: "Yes sir, may I have your first name and where you're calling from."

ELVIS: "Uh, uh. My name is Eugene. I'm Eugene and I'm calling from Grace …, I mean Grayson Heights, Michigan. Yeah, that's it."

CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY: "And what can I do for you sir?"

ELVIS: "Well, I just bought a pair of your blue suede shoes and I got to thinking about how easy it would be to get them scratched up if, say, somebody accidentally stepped on them. Can I return them or exchange them?"

CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY: "Well, what makes you think they would be easily damaged sir?"

ELVIS: "I don't know really. I just got to thinking about it. It was always on my mind. I worry about stuff like that. I'm compulsive that way. I worry about my pet like that too. I know he ain't nothing but a hound dog, but still I want to make sure he's taken care of. You know, don't be cruel or anything like that."

CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY: "Yes sir, I understand. But I assure you those shoes are made of the highest quality material and manufactured professionally."

ELVIS: "Are you sure? Will they stand up under, say, adverse weather conditions? For example, if I was walking in 'em through some Kentucky rain, would they be all right?"

CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY: "Yes sir. They should do just fine. Is there anything else I can do for you? I want to get home and see my girlfriend. It's been a long day."

ELVIS: "No sir. Just wanted to make sure these shoes will work out for me. So you're headed home to see your gal, huh? Are you lonesome tonight cause you sound kinda blue?"

CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY: "Yeah, maybe a little. I was going to propose to her tonight because it's the one-year anniversary of when we met but the ring I ordered hasn't come in yet so I guess I'll wait. I want to be able to look back and say I did it my way."

ELVIS: "I don't blame you son. OK, I'll let you go then. Thank you. Thank you very much."

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.