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LEDGER COLUMNIST
That's not to say that I'm opposed to buying items on sale. I'm as likely as the next person to scoop up a marked-down item, providing it isn't damaged or has otherwise been presented to shoppers in a mendacious manner. Why, if they were to, say, mark down Callaway golf balls, for example, to half-price, I would stockpile as many as logistically and financially practical. But the trouble with sales, at least from the way I see it, is they very seldom have discounts on things that I routinely buy or WOULD BUY if I found one or more in my price range. There are a lot of things on sale, but not many that appeal to me. I often poke fun at my wife and her mother for having, shall we say, an obsessively frugal outlook on the great American art of consumerism. They aren't buying anything unless it's on sale. Momma Fizer can sniff out a bargain like a thoroughbred hound (and I mean that in the most glowing terms of endearment). Her daughter has a similar inclination to locate things in ye olde bargain bins but pursues them via a different strategy, something I like to call the dart-here-and-yonder method. She will, I tell folks, drive 100 miles to get 4 cents off a can of green beans. This is, of course, an exaggeration. On the other hand, it realistically demonstrates her sincerity about paying less than retail. I don't care for driving around looking for bargains. I could go into any grocery store and buy the same items in 30 minutes that it takes her four hours to find. The catch is this - I would pay 20 to 40 percent more. But - SAY IT WITH ME MEN - it ain't about the price, it's about the convenience. We don't care how much things cost as long as we can get them quickly and efficiently and get back home in time to watch the basketball highlights on the noon SportsCenter that we saw on the other eleventyhundred SportsCenters earlier in the day and the night before. "Money is just dirty paper," I tell the missus. "They're going to make more." She hates that. She scoffs at my fiduciary perspective whilst snatching my paycheck from my hand. "Just sign this," she demands. "Now shut up and eat your discount green beans." Some day I'm going to have them just forward my paycheck to her and cut out the middle man. One must understand that the things we really want seldom go on sale and often they are very expensive. For instance, I've wanted a BMW R1200 motorcycle for the longest time and while they've probably had an occasion or two when there was some sort of promotion, I haven't really seen them put that particular bike on sale. And if they did ever put it on sale - it would have to be A REALLY GOOD SALE, if you know what I mean. Oh, I could just go buy one and pay the full price. After all, like I said at the outset of this column, you get what you pay for. If I bought that bike and got it like I wanted it with a few (pricey) extras, I would have to write the good folks at the Bavarian Motor Works a check somewhere in the neighborhood of $20,000. The only problem is that my wife told me to stay out of that neighborhood. She doesn't even want me visiting in that neighborhood. If I ever went and bought that bike, I would do it as a divorced man because I'm purt near positive the missus would frown mightily on such a development. She just doesn't want me to be happy, I reckon. She'd say something like, "You know what BMW stands for? It stands for 'Beating Men Wildly.' That's what it stands for. You want to ride a bike? Get your fat butt in there and sit it down on that exercise bike. That's the bike you SHOULD be riding." Oh, I could ignore her, but I'd have to give her half my stuff in the settlement. And I've got some nice stuff. So, let's see - a new BMW motorcycle or all my stuff? I think you know the wise choice there. And then sometimes things ought to be free. I know they say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I don't want a free lunch. You know what I do want? Free air. The other day I stopped at a gas station to gauge the tires on my car and inflate them to the proper pressure and they charged me 75 cents for air. FOR AIR! THEY CHARGED ME FOR AIR! This is an outrage. They expect me to pay around $3 a gallon for gas and then stick me with a fee for air on top of that? What's happening in this country? The next thing you know, they'll be putting water in bottles and charging us for that and … ... Oh yeah. Never mind. Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger. |
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