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LEDGER COLUMNIST
Oh yeah, I forgot about that. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Valentine's Day, that one day out of the year when you have an opportunity to express in deep and meaningful ways your love for what's special in your life. Like your golf clubs and your big-screen TV. I'm kidding ladies, I'm just kidding. Now put down that knife. But really, if you have a wife or/and girlfriend, you'd better be making plans to do something special for her (or them) on Thursday. You'd better be buying something red with a heart on it. You'd better be buying some flowers and candy. You'd better be making dinner reservations somewhere other than a place where you color the placemats. Because women take this stuff seriously. When I first met my wife, I tried one of those slick cool-guy lines on her. But she wasn't impressed. I sauntered over (I don't do much sauntering anymore, nowadays it's more like limping and whimpering) to where she was sitting and said, "Hey sweetheart, I'm here to make all your dreams come true." She didn't even look up. "What are you going to do?" she asked, "Come over and clean my windows?" She's so funny. I should have just walked away. But n-o-o-o-o. I had to be persistent. I had to keep on until I finally won her over. That was 24-plus years ago and we're still going strong. The other night I asked her: "Honey, remember when we were hot and heavy?" "Yes." "Well, now we're just heavy." We got to talking about when we first met. "You know," she said, half-kidding (at least I think she was half-kidding). "I wasn't going to go out with you again after we had that first date." Silence. She thought I was stunned or that she had hurt my feelings because I just stood there with a faraway look in my eyes, nearly crying. "What's wrong?" she asked, touching my shoulder. "What are you thinking?" "Sniff, sniff. Nothing, really," I answered. "I was just thinking of all the money I could have saved." See, women always want to know what you're thinking. They want to make sure the spell they cast over you, lo those many years ago, is still working. So here's what you do. You lie. Now wait a minute. Not serious lies. Just some little white ones trimmed in hearts and rainbows and unicorns (those are the things women like) to keep her happy. For instance, the other day she was vacuuming in the den and I was watching the basketball game on the aforementioned big-screen TV. She would occasionally wander out in front of the TV and I had to do the old lean-around to keep up with the action (the game action - not the vacuuming action). She looked up at one point, Paulus had just made a 3-pointer to give Duke the lead and I was trying to refrain from doing one of those Tiger Woods fist-pump things. She thought I had been watching her. "What's that twinkle in your eye?" she asked. "What are you thinking?" OK, what I was thinking is why we hadn't invested in one of those little robot vacuum cleaner thingies that rolls around the floor and sweeps up on its own. It's only a few inches tall (so it can't block your view of the TV), is relatively quiet and doesn't care what you're thinking. But what I told her I was thinking is this: "Baby, I was just thinking how hot you look in that old raggedy bath robe." "Yeah, right," she sarcastically replied. "Really baby, that's what I was thinking," I said. "You know, not many women can look sexy in big fuzzy bunny slippers. But you pull it off." She rolled her eyes. "I know you're watching the game," she said. "C'mon baby," I said. "The only game I'm thinking about right now is the one where I'm the TV repairman and you're the bored, lonely housewife." But what I was really thinking was how the Blue Devils might be able to run some clock and still get a high-percentage shot. Ah, love and basketball. You can have the best of both worlds. I'm going to get that woman something really special for Valentine's Day.
I'm thinking maybe a new bath robe. |
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