My team beat your team, nyah-nyah
LEDGER COLUMNIST

Klonie JORDAN

KA-WHOP!

That's the sound of me slugging Annoying Sports Guy.

OK, I would never really slug anyone, even Annoying Sports Guy, even though Annoying Sports Guy gets on my last nerve.

I had considered making a New Year's resolution to not discuss sports with people who know little or nothing

about sports, yet think they know everything about sports. This is the definition of Annoying Sports Guy.

You can't carry on a reasonable conversation about athletics with him because, well, he's NOT REASONABLE. And his teams are always going to be better than your teams, no matter what their records, or the scores, or the coaches, or the players.

For example, it is early Monday (nothing like waiting until the last minute to write your column, huh?) and I fully expect Annoying Sports Guy to come waltzing in here any

minute. This particular Annoying Sports Guy is a North Carolina basketball fan and he knows I'm a Duke fan.

The difference between me and Annoying Sports Guy is that when Duke beat the mighty Tar Heels at Chapel Hill a few weeks ago, I said nothing to Annoying Sports Guy. Didn't bring it up. Didn't rub it in. Didn't make any references to Duke specifically or basketball in general to him that week because I knew it would hurt his feelings.

But I promise you that today he will come cruising in here celebrating North Carolina's victory over Duke like he was personally responsible for it, like he was there at courtside and called all the plays, set the defense, came up with the game plan, bought the chalkboards in the locker room, washed the uniforms the night before and personally fueled up the bus.

And he will be loud and boisterous and obnoxious because, well, that's how Annoying Sports Guy operates.

Here's what he will say.

"What happened to your boys Saturday?"

Then he will hitch up his overalls, adjust the Skoal can in his hip pocket and strut around like Rudolph Nureyev in front of a sold-out auditorium.

It will be a disgusting and disturbing display. He will look for all the world like a male peacock in the midst of a mating dance. He will dance and jump and yell "whoo-whoo" like he's making a cameo appearance in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Either that or a he's a diesel locomotive with a defective whistle.

This is when I will get the urge to just go ahead and administer the aforementioned KA-WHOP and then stand over his unconscious body and smile contentedly.

I could try to reason with him. You know, use statistics, data and logic to debate my point regarding this long and intense rivalry. But that won't work, because logic is wasted on Annoying Sports Guy. I could try and do that but it would be like putting lipstick and a prom dress on a pig.

I know that he doesn't understand basic basketball strategy, or even know how long the court is or how high the rim is or the distance from the 3-point line. He doesn't know the difference between a box-and-one defense and a half-court trap.

All he knows is that - "whoo-whoo, my team beat your team."

Annoying Sports Guy can sure ruin your Monday.

But you can't say he's not enthusiastic.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is the executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.