Sleep injury officially signals onset of old age

While the birthday I have approaching isn't one of those "milestone" years, I'm still dreading it nonetheless.

In part it's because I'm getting another year closer to one of those "milestone" years, the ones that signify the start of a new decade. But it's also because I've been feeling far older than my actual age suggests, so I fear what the future holds from a physical perspective.

It wasn't all that long ago I remember being full of vim and vigor. One of my favorite hobbies was to hike the mountain near my family's home and it was something I could do for hours at a time without becoming winded, though I did occasionally stop and sit to admire the view from above.

Walking 36 holes of golf, in any kind of weather, was no problem either.

Today it's a different story.

Last week, I pulled a neck muscle with a sneeze and hurt for days.

And recently I actually hurt myself sleeping!

I woke up one morning with such a sore back that I was hobbled for two or three days and had to pop generic Ibuprofen like gumdrops to make it through the day. I'm not a tall guy to begin with, but with my bent back

lopping off a few inches I couldn't have qualified to ride anything at Carowinds.

All of this led me to a simple realization. It's no fun getting older so I'm going to try to avoid the inevitable by skipping my birthday this year.

Unfortunately, I know it doesn't work that way.

Sure, all of Cherokee County's Octogenarians, Nonagenarians or Centenarians may laugh at my little complaints, especially since I'm just a Tricenarian only approaching Quadragenarian status.

And the Quinquagenarians in The Gaffney Ledger office have no pity whatsoever for my aches and pains, especially when one has had open heart surgery and has the battle scars to prove it.

Complain to them and you'll usually get something creative like "Would you like some cheese with your whine?"

Or you might simply get a sarcastic and dismissive baby's "whahh."

My favorite response to a complaint, which nobody around here uses but I wish they would, is when someone rubs their thumb and index finger together while saying, "Hear that? It's the wold's smallest violent and it's playing just for you."

But at least I can sympathize with their plight, even if they don't believe I've earned the right to complain yet. And if ailments are a sign of old age, I've got some humdinger stories about my bum knee.

Aches and pains aside, though, I'm beginning to believe there are some benefits to growing older.

Wisdom is supposed to come with age so people actually think I know what I'm talking about now.

There also comes a point when it's downright flattering to be "carded" when you buy a 6-pack at the grocery store.

And while it may be just as much a sign of the economy as it is my advancing age and growing wisdom, I no longer think "early bird" dinner specials are solely for those who can't eat past 3:30 p.m. Good food on the cheap is always a plus in my book.

Plus, I'm a little jealous of the older folks who get the benefit of senior discounts at the grocery store. I'd like that 5 percent off my lactose-free milk too.

But therein lies the rub for those folks approaching middle age. You neither have the physical benefits of being a teenager or someone in their 20s, nor get the well-earned and deserved perks of being a senior.

Find yourself in that middle age territory and you simply have to pay full price for muscle rub to relieve aches and pains you wouldn't have had earlier in life.

So how do you avoid that? I wish I had the answers, but unfortunately I'm running late for a 3 p.m. dinner appointment and will have to find some later. Plus, I heard Ben Gay is on sale this week and I need to stock up.

(NOTE TO READERS: Tricenarians, Quadragenarians and Quinquagenarians are not characters from Star Trek. It admittedly took an online medical dictionary to find out what you call people in their 30s, 40s and 50s. A Denarian, by the way, is someone aged 10 to 19 and a Vicenarian is someone in their 20s. Or at least that's what the online medical dictionary claimed.)