It’s called Windows 7.

I don’t know why it’s called Windows 7 because there never was a Windows 6, or a Windows 5 for that matter, so I’m confused by the name. But here’s my theory on that. I’m guessing that while the Microsoft wizards were busy developing Windows 7, there was some concern about spying (these computer types are always concerned about someone stealing their technosecrets) so the wizards let it be known around computer circles that the new operating system would be called Windows 7, which, in reality, was the truth, but they figured the spies who were trying to steal their computer secrets wouldn’t believe them because Windows 7 didn’t make sense because there was never a Windows 6, or a Windows 5 for that matter. They probably figured the spies were looking for something like, maybe “Vista 2,” or “Vista-The Second Generation” or “Vista-We’ll Get It to Work Right Eventually.” And boy, were the spies surprised when the new-generation Windows operating system ACTUALLY was called Windows 7.

I’m telling you, man, it was a stroke of genius.

What’s that, you say?

Didn’t Microsoft come out with a new operating system just a couple of years ago?

Why yes. Yes, they did. And in the eyes of many computer owners and loyal Microsoft customers, that operating system –Vista, it was called – was a real stink bomb.

People hated it. Well, not ALL people, but lots of people. Or so I’ve been told and read in a number of computer magazines (look at what my life has become; instead of the party animal and chick magnet I once was, now I’m reading computer magazines; let’s see, where did I put that really sharp knife?). Some of them hated it so much that they preferred the old operating system – Windows XP.

How about that? A new version of a product comes out and consumers – many of them, anyway – would rather have the old one. Excuse me for a moment while I try to come up with an appropriate analogy.

Let’s see now … Thinking … Thinking …

Thinking …

OK, I’ve got nothing. But you’ve got to admit that preferring the old version of a product instead of the new one is a rather rare condition.

As for me, I have several computers and two of them (including the one I’m writing this very column on) have the Vista operating system installed on them. I have never ... I repeat, NEVER … had a problem with the Vista operating system. I also have it installed on a laptop and I have never had a problem with the Vista system on that machine either.

I have always been a big fan of Bill Gates, partly because he looks a little like Paul Simon and I’m also a big Paul Simon fan (c’mon, who could sing lyrics like, “A man walks down the street; He says why am I soft in the middle now; Why am I soft in the middle; The rest of my life is so hard. I need a photo-opportunity. I want a shot at redemption. Don’t want to end up a cartoon; In a cartoon graveyard. Bonedigger, Bonedigger; Dogs in the moonlight; Far away my well-lit door; Mr. Beerbelly Beerbelly; Get these mutts away from me; You know I don’t find this stuff amusing anymore,” and turn it into a big hit except Paul Simon?) but mostly because he’s rich enough to buy – I don’t know – Europe? I mean all of it too, not just France. You’ve got to admire that kind of wealth.

So here’s the deal. I love Microsoft and everything they do and stand for and I buy their software whenever they have a version of the kind of software I’m looking for and I would take a Windows software operating system over anything anybody else makes. As a matter of fact, I would rather use a hammer, a chisel and a rock than anything other than Microsoft technology.

So I will buy the Windows 7 operating system for my computers and I’m sure I will be happy with it.

And when Bill Gates buys Europe, maybe he will let me be king — or at least the royal jester — of one of the smaller countries, maybe Belgium.

So if you will excuse me, I’ve got to go brush up on my Belgianese.

Happy Windows-ing y’all.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.