With the crime rate being what it is, folks are locking up their stuff. Which is good news for companies that make locks, or the people who work for companies that make locks.

Security is of prime importance these days. I believe in drastic action when it comes to preventing thefts. They should make a burglar alarm system that not only makes a loud annoying noise and automatically calls the police, but also emits a high-powered laser beam that actually vaporizes the person or persons who broke into your house.

FIRST COP: “All we could find was that tiny burned place on the carpet. Weird, huh?”

SECOND COP: “Yeah. I know. And what’s that smell?”

FIRST COP: “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it smells a little like chicken.”

And speaking of putting locks on things, the other day I went to my handy-dandy department store to buy some tube socks and frozen corn dogs (I’m just kidding about the corn dogs; actually, I’m on a diet and have lost 19 pounds so far – thanks for asking; it’s just that it’s so cool to have a store where you can buy tube socks AND frozen corn dogs) and blades for my new razor. Well, guess what? The handy-dandy department store is seemingly very concerned about what apparently is a noticeable increase in the theft of razor blades because the blades that I needed for my new battery-powered vibrating razor (I know, it’s a weird combination, ain’t it; you’ve got five RAZOR BLADES against your face so you would think that the last thing you would want them to do is bounce around) were behind a locked glass cabinet. Come to think of it, I believe it might have even been a bulletproof locked glass cabinet.

Mind you, these razor blades are kind of pricey (about $25 for five) but I think maybe putting them under lock and key might be going a bit too far. You have to actually find a store associate and tell him or her that you want to purchase the blades and he or she, in turn, goes and gets the key to the cabinet, which I’m pretty sure involves some kind of high-tech security clearance procedure that may or may not include retina scans.

So when I got my razor blades home, I put them with all my other valuables — in my steel safe that’s bolted to a concrete floor next to my gun cabinet and gave the roundthe clock security team that guards that part of the house specific instructions to shoot to kill anyone who looks like they might not have had a clean shave in a while and is desperate for a good razor.

We think we’re vulnerable if we don’t have deadbolts on every door and window, but do you know when we’re actually the MOST vulnerable?

That’s right – when we’re naked.

Just last week I went to a doctor’s office and was told to take off all my clothes except my underwear.

Then they gave me a paper sheet – A PAPER SHEET (I don’t think it was even 2-ply) — and told me to sit down and wait for the doctor.

So there I sat pretty much naked except for my Fruit of the Looms and suddenly I began to ponder all the things that could possibly go wrong in such a scenario. I mean, what are you going to do if you’re practically naked and trouble breaks out?

For example, what if I’m just sitting there minding my own business, trying to be cool in my underwear under my paper sheet and say, for instance, a psycho thief wanders in off the street, zips into the room, grabs my pants — which contain my wallet, checkbook and cell phone — and bolts out the door?

Now I ask you, what does one do in such a situation as this?

Well, it would be pretty difficult, not to mention embarrassing, to go into pursuit mode wearing just your Fruit of the Looms but I’ve got to tell ya, I just might have to do that because, well, it’s an iPhone for Pete’s sake.

You can see how we are prime targets when we are naked.

So if you are told to take your clothes off and get under a paper sheet, make sure you hold your pants firmly in your hands until you are able to put them back on.

And leave your razor blades at home because it’s one thing to lose an iPhone, but can you really afford to lose razor blades that are kept locked behind bulletproof glass?

I don’t think so.

Klonie Jordan (editor@gaffneyledger.com) is executive editor of The Gaffney Ledger.