CODY SOSSAMON PUBLISHER Life as a bachelor isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

By ‘all that it’s cracked up to be’ I refer to the glamorous image of bachelorhood presented in movies, TV shows and commercials. You know, suave and debonair

confident, stylish, elegant and charming). I put that in there for my friends who there for my friends who asked me to stop using words they didn’t understand. But rather than the deprive the rest of you, I decided to draw them a map.

Those bachelors always have a couple of beautiful women on their arms, drive expensive sports cars and are dressed impeccably. And they’re always doing something exciting — like scuba diving, mountain climbing or some other such exotic hobby.

Well, I’m here to tell you that’s all a bunch of baloney.

Once again I’m forced to admit that when my wife goes on vacation and leaves me home alone, I suffer. I’m not really home alone and that’s partly why I’m suffering. Three dogs, two cats and bonus son.

Bonus son really isn’t much trouble especially now that he’s getting a little age on him. If he wants something to eat, he can drive to go get it. If he wants clean clothes to wear, he knows how to operate the washer and dryer. At my request, he was going to cook some bacon Monday night for BLT’s. I was working in the yard ’til dark and when I came in I expected to be greeted by that wonderful smell of bacon cooking.

No such smell.

He explained that he couldn’t get his mother to answer the phone to tell him how to cook the bacon. He’s 23.

I cooked it and we ate about 9:30.

My wife has spoiled her pets, too. Back in the day when I had dogs (never cats), they ate dry dog food and stayed outside. Shoot, I could fill up a big bucket of dry dog food and leave ‘em for a week and they’d be fine.

Her pets, though, have become accustomed to the finer things in life, like stinky canned food. For some reason, the aroma of freshly opened canned cat food makes me a bit queasy. Canned dog food isn’t quite as bad, but still not something I enjoy smelling.

So, when I’m in charge of pet feeding, they get dry food or they go hungry. I’ve always told my wife that when they get hungry enough, they’ll eat the dry stuff.

“But they like the canned food better.”

Yeah, well I like crab legs and steak best, but I don’t get it every day.

So, after a few days on the dry stuff, the two dogs and two cats start getting a little pushy. They follow me around the house everywhere I go. They even try to come in the bathroom with me. They scratch at the door when I close it. When I’m eating my bacon sandwich (or whatever), they sit in front of me with sad eyes. Begging. I tossed a small stale potato chip on the floor and they all went for it like it was the first food they’d seen in weeks.

Letting the dogs out to do their business early in the morning isn’t a problem when I’m home alone. I do that all the time anyway, since I’m always up before they are. I don’t, however, like cleaning the kitty litter boxes. In a way, it’s like changing diapers. If it’s your baby, it’s tolerable. If it’s not, it can be pretty rough. I’m guessing that is because I’ve never changed a diaper for any children other than my own.

But these cats and their litter boxes belong to my wife. I can’t leave them outside because my wife adopted a neighbor’s dog and he lives on our porch. He gets along fine with our dogs, but he doesn’t like cats. So they stay inside. All the time. I once made the mistake of letting one of them out and I thought my wife was going to have a nervous breakdown.

I can’t let that happen. The pets and I need her healthy to take care of us.

Cody Sossamon (cody@gaffneyledger.com) is publisher of

The Gaffney Ledger.