I have a bottle (actually it’s more like a jug instead of a bottle) of antibacterial soap on my desk at work and another one on my desk in my office at home.

In my vehicle I have two bottles of antibacterial soap. Don’t ask me why there’s two, I reckon it’s in case I happen upon a massive bacterial infection emergency.

I have a bottle of antibacterial soap on the table beside my recliner in the den and I have a bottle of antibacterial soap in my golf bag (providing I ever get a chance to play golf again). And for those “just in case” kinds of situations, I have a tube of antibacterial spray that looks like a fountain pen complete with a clip suitable for attaching to one’s front pocket.

So as far as my personal war against bacteria, I am heavily armed. I have germ-fighting goo available and I’m not afraid to use it and I have the ability to dispense it in a number of manners and at various volume levels.

I have these materials available because it’s a nasty world out there. You never know where that hand has been that you just shook. You never know whose hand was on that gas pump handle you just used.

See what I mean?

Germs, bacteria and icky, yucky stuff is everywhere. Whenever I go to the doctor, I make ’em give me some antibacterial soap when I sign in because that door handle is obviously covered with who-knows-what. And I make ’em give me the good stuff, the stuff THEY use that’s behind the counter, not the stuff from that “public” bottle there by the check-in window. Heaven knows the pump top on that thing is as infected as the door handle.

And I make ’em give me a brand new pen right out of the wrapper to use to sign in with because the person before me who used the “public” pen might have had some strain of typhoid or something else that will kill me graveyard dead.

In maintaining this paranoid frame of mind, I am always looking for the latest in anti-bacterial, anti-germ weaponry and the folks at Lysol (which is regularly used to spray down my keyboard and mouse at work) have come up with a dandy little item. It’s the no-touch soap dispenser.

This gizmo has made me a happy person. It’s a soap dispenser that looks pretty much like any soap dispenser one might find on a bathroom sink except that it has a couple of AA batteries and a motion detector. You place your hand under the dispenser nozzle and it gently oozes out just the right amount of antibacterial soap for a thorough hand-washing. You don’t have to touch anything, thus eliminating the possibility of re-contaminating your hands.

I love this thing. As soon as I saw the commercial, I zipped right out to my friendly neighborhood Walmart and scooped me up a couple.

The soaps come in different scents (I call them “flavors”) and my favorite is “Soothing Cucumber Splash.” Doesn’t that sound refreshing? Don’t you just wish you could fill your swimming pool with it?

And it smells great.

The other day I washed my hands with the “Soothing Cucumber Splash” before dinner. I looked up at the TV for a moment while eating my salad and when I lifted the fork to my mouth I accidentally bit myself on the hand. My hand smelled so much like cucumber, I couldn’t tell it from the salad.

Sort of weird but still sort of cool, huh? Man, I can’t wait ’til they come out with the “Barbecued Chicken” and “Liver & Onions” soap flavors.