KLONIE JORDAN — Executive Editor (editor@gaffneyledger.com) I had been waiting for several weeks for this fellow to show up to take a look at a new computer that I just could not seem to get logged onto our home network.

I’m no computer genius, although I’m not afraid to jerk the cover off one, roll my sleeves up and dive right in.

And it should be noted here that I’m also not afraid to be rushed to the emergency room to be treated for electrical burns.

The problem I was having with the new computer was that it was not allowing me to access the Internet. I had bought all the right cables and switches, had set the network protocol up correctly and entered all the IP and other data just like I was supposed to do.

The readings showed the machine was indeed online but for some reason it wouldn’t let me in.

Now there were some things that I could have done to tinker and check out and experiment regarding this particular situation. Like I said, I ain’t afraid to get in there with those circuit boards and go nuts.

But I didn’t do that because I knew we had a guru coming to look at it and he’s getting paid to be an expert on personal computers, so I figured it would be better for him to do it than me.

Hey, I’m good, but I’m no guru. I don’t even know what a guru is. It sounds like a superhero sidekick. Computer Man and his sidekick Guru Boy. They ride around in their Techmobile repairing zonked-out PCs all over the world. Whenever there’s trouble, the commissioner flashes the universal PC signal into the night sky and Computer Man and Guru Boy see it from wherever they might be and quickly change from their secret identities as Geek Man and Nerd Guy into their superhero costumes and before you can say “holy cyberspace” — ta-da, there they are, their capes flapping in the breeze, ready to save the day and tow another wayward Internet cruiser out of the Ditch of Alt-Control-Delete and back onto the Information Superhighway.

Bless you Computer Man and Guru Boy.

OK, so real computer gurus aren’t super heroes, or at least not until they get your machine back up and running and then they sure SEEM like super heroes.

So the guru showed up and he jiggled some cables (I could have done that) and turned the machine on and placed his index finger and thumb on his chin and went “hmm” (I could have done that) and clicked here and there a couple of times (I could have done that) and then said the problem was that I needed to buy more software and said he would send me a bill.

“Bill who?” I asked.

He looked at me with a puzzled look on his face. Apparently computer gurus don’t have a sense of humor.

The solution to any computer problem — and if you have one or more of these gizmos, you know this is true — is always that you need to buy something else to make it work. There’s always another piece of software you need, or another peripheral device, or card, or chipset, or thinga ma-bob that you must have in order to make your machine fully functional. When it comes to technology, remember that whatever you bought today will be obsolete tomorrow.

Nowadays computers have advanced far beyond the old 386s that we all used to know and love. Nowadays speed is of the essence, whether it’s a faster CPU, or CD-burner, or Internet connection, etc., etc.

Nowadays, the status symbol we all prefer to have is related to our hi-tech gadgetry. We all, myself included, want the latest, best, fastest, most expensive stuff, even if the stuff we have now will suffice. Newer is better. It isn’t your luxury car that’s the status symbol in 2010, it’s how fast you can download enough MP3s, You Tube videos and iTunes-purchased movies to max out a 160-gigabyte iPod.

But if you can’t afford the latest in technology and if the outdated gear you now own suffers a breakdown, you can rest easy knowing that Computer Man and Guru Boy are out there somewhere waiting to snap into action and save the day.