KLONIE JORDAN — Executive Editor (editor@gaffneyledger.com) Welcome to today’s seminar.

I’ve reached the age where I automatically dismiss what I perceive to be baloney.

And there’s a lot of baloney out there.

But perhaps the biggest slice, or maybe even a whole roll, of baloney is the one referred to as “The Big Bang Theory.” I’m talking about the scientific concept, not the hit TV show, which, by the way, is a very funny fictional piece of work.

The scientific concept is also very funny and very fictional.

If you believe that particles of matter were randomly floating around in space and suddenly they converged into a mass and exploded (some scientists argue that the “big bang” wasn’t really a “bang” but a balloon-like expansion) and the result of that explosion created the universe, including a little planet I like to call Earth, then you are now excused.

This “Big Bang” concept is so funny on so many levels because things don’t suddenly explode and create other things. If particles of matter WERE indeed floating around in space and they suddenly converged and exploded, the result wouldn’t be a universe, it would just be SMALLER particles of matter floating around in space.

When was the last time you saw something blow up and create something new instead of something, uh … well … JUST BLOWN UP?

Why do scientists believe this nonsense? Well, it’s because scientists don’t like the idea of anyone being smarter than they are, therefore they don’t like the notion (which, by the way is the REAL explanation of how this planet got here) of God creating the heavens and the earth. So they came up with this ridiculous theory.

Laughable, ain’t it?

If I was going to try to disprove the Genesis account of the creation of the universe, I could come up with a better theory than “well, stuff just blew up and here we are.”

These guys are morons.

If the Earth was created from some cosmic “big bang” that occurred about 14 billion years ago, how come nothing has “big-banged” since? Why aren’t objects being created by “bangs” all over the place? How come we’re not walking down the street one day and suddenly there’s a “bang” up in the sky and it starts raining, I don’t know, toasters or lawn mowers?

And you would think that if this “bang” theory is true that scientists – remember, these are super geniuses we’re talking about here – haven’t been able to corral the force that causes it and put it in a can or some kind of kit that you can buy at your neighborhood grocery or hardware store? There could be all kinds of “big bang” items for sale. Nothing would be impossible to convert into a can of “big bang” and put onto a retail shopping shelf.

WIFE: “Honey, I’m off to the store. Do you need anything?”

HUSBAND: “Yeah, please get me a Big Bang carburetor for that ’67 Mustang I’m restoring. And, oh yeah, a Big Bang can of new running shoes.”

See how that would work? You would pop the lid on your “Big Bang” purchase and then you would have 30 seconds before it expanded (in case it was a large item and you needed to place it in a large open area) into the item you desired.

I know it sounds extreme but you’re telling me that in 14 billion years scientists couldn’t have figured out how to do this? And we’re giving them billions of dollars in research money.

So, in closing, I’d like to thank you for attending today’s seminar and especially thank those of you who remained awake for the entire presentation.

On your way out of the auditorium, please pick up your gift bag, which includes a sample can of “Big Bang Empty Space,” your complimentary roll of “Big Bang” baloney and your “The Big Bang – I Ain’t Buying It” tshirt.