KLONIE JORDAN — Executive Editor (editor@gaffneyledger.com) A group of learned individuals who are experts in matters of an environmental and cataclysmic nature have come up with a very significant conclusion.

According to their latest evaluation of global warming, we’re all, well, toast.

As a matter of fact, it is entirely possible — yea, even likely — that before you finish reading this column, you will spontaneously combust.

It’s finally happened. All those years of burning fossil fuels and emitting harmful auto emissions into the air — not to mention all that methane dairy cattle flatulence — has finally doomed us all.

So take a moment now to say good-bye to your loved ones, then lather yourself up in butter and steak sauce and go lie down in a large saucepan because, well pal, we are the next main course in the great cosmic frying pan.

Apparently this group of learned individuals has developed a complicated system of numerical equations that when properly applied (and perhaps used in conjunction with massive consumption of alcoholic beverages) allows them to predict the future.

I saw these learned individuals on one of those highnumber satellite TV channels. Using this soothsaying system and what we have learned from ancient writings and calendars left by the Mayans, or Incas, or one of those great former civilizations we often refer to when something like this comes along, these learned individuals have apparently determined that the world will end Dec. 21, 2012. This is a very disturbing development and one which should spur us into action, especially those of us who have dinner reservations for Dec. 22, 2012.

So, since we’re all in this together, here are some things you can do to make the coming global warming environmental tragedy less severe and perhaps more manageable.

1. Keep several fire suppression devices readily available;

2. Carry a bottle of water with you at all times to extinguish those pesky personal hot spots;

3. Don’t carry matches, lighter fluid or other flammable items on your person;

4. Wear cotton – it breathes;

5. Insist weather forecasters stop depicting the sun as a cute little smiley-faced yellow head that wears sunglasses when we all know in reality it’s a sizzling, hot-blooded, contemptuous monster just waiting to kill us all;

6. When you get depressed, just remember that if this end-of-world scenario holds true, at least we won’t have to watch any more Will Ferrell movies.

These are just a few suggestions that came to me during a dream I had one night after eating some clam dip that was way past the expiration date.

But before you go all panicky and stuff, be advised there are some indications that this same numerical formula has often been wrong when used in other instances. For example, when applied to professional football last fall, it predicted that the New Orleans Saints would win the Super Bowl and we all know that’s never going to happ... HEY, WAIT A MINUTE ...

HONEY, WHERE’S THE SUN BLOCK?