KLONIE JORDAN — Executive Editor (editor@gaffneyledger.com) So I’m sitting here in front of my big-screen high-definition television watching a couple of professional football teams play in a completely boring and pointless pre-season football game.

It doesn’t really matter who wins or loses. Pre-season is the professional football equivalent of scrimmage games, only with television contracts, and instant replay, and self-proclaimed expert announcer/analysts. Never have there been more experts on television than during the football season(s).

ANNOUNCER/ANALYST NO. 1: “What do you think of tonight’s matchup? Who would you say, if anyone, has a decided advantage in what areas of the game?”

ANNOUNCER/ANALYST NO. 2: “I’m not really sure. But doesn’t my facial hair look really good? Check me out on that monitor over there. You know what? I’m a pretty man?”

ANNOUNCER/ANALYST NO. 1: “Yes, you’re a striking figure. But isn’t there some particular aspect of the game that you would like to discuss? Maybe a question you’d like to ask?”

ANNOUNCER/ANALYST NO. 2: “Well, since you mentioned it, do we get to keep these blazers? This blazer really brings out the color in my eyes. The only thing better looking than my facial hair are my piercing blue eyes, wouldn’t you say?”

So if it doesn’t really matter who wins or loses, why am I watching this?

Because IT’S IN HIGH-DEF, MAN!

This image is so clear, you wouldn’t believe it. It’s like being there. The Raiders quarterback just dove for a first down and a piece of sod flew up and hit me in the face. A vendor tossed a hot dog to a guy two rows up and it went right over my shoulder and the dog caught it in mid-air.

There are also two more reasons I am watching this game. Because,

A.) It’s football, and

B.) Well, c’mon, it’s on television. I HAVE to watch it.

See, men — real men, I mean — will ALWAYS turn the football game on regardless of who’s playing, regardless of whether it’s a championship game or a meaningless game, regardless of what else might be on, and regardless of whatever else might be happening.

REAL MAN’S SON (RUNNING INTO THE HOUSE): “Dad, I just got bit by a rattlesnake!”

REAL MAN (NOT LOOKING UP FROM THE SCREEN): “Yeah, yeah. We’re in overtime here. Put some Windex on it.”

REAL MAN’S SON: “Windex?”

REAL MAN: “Hey, that’s what the guy in ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ used.”

REAL MAN’S SON: “But, but …”

REAL MAN: “But nothing. Stop whining. Walk it off.”

That’s just the way it is. If football is on TV, we’re going to find it.

We’re going to find it and we’re going to watch it, and I mean ALL OF IT, mister — THE WHOLE THING.

Even if it’s two teams we don’t like. Even if it’s 72-0 at halftime. Even if the cheerleaders are ugly. Because we’re real men and that’s what real men do!